Tears in a Bottle

From the reading I have done about adoption and grieving the loss of a birth parent, it seems that many children start the grieving process around age 4 or 5. Malea turns 5 next week and we have found this to be true for her. Over the past year she has gone through several periods of sadness and I can just tell that she is not her normal self. She is normally a happy kid and then out of the blue she will just start crying and go to her room. It is always the same reason; she misses her "China mom" ( the name she calls her birth mom). As I think is normal with most kids, they cry for a short time and then they are over it and move on (probably healthier then the way we adults grieve.)

I never feel like I know what to say when it is obvious she is so heartbroken...I know I can't say I understand because I don't. I don't know what it feels like to carry that burden of always wondering about your past, why you look the way you do or act the way you do, why you will never see your birth parents on earth, why they left you when you were a newborn with no explanation. It has got to be a huge weight to carry.

So what we always do is just pray. We pray for her, that the Lord will comfort her with His love and peace and that she will know how special she is to Him and us. She particularily likes to pray for her birthparents, we have the hope of seeing them in Heaven someday, so we pray often for that.

Yesterday she had her first little dance recital. We were sitting at the kitchen table doing some coloring and she was all dressed in her tutu with her hair in a cute ballerina bun and she started to cry. "Mom, can I talk to you in my room?" she said. Once we got back to her room, I asked why she was sad and she said : " I just wish my China mom could see how good of a dancer I am, and I know she never will." What do you do with that?? It breaks my heart to see her working through this hurt. I know there are no easy answers I can give her.

I was reading in Psalms 56 today and for some reason this verse jumped out at me. Psalm 56:8

"You have kept count of my tossings; Put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?"

I find this verse so comforting. The God of the Universe cares enough for us that He counts every one of our tears. He knows why we cry. Our sadness has a purpose. The pain we feel need not be wasted. He knew we would cry and would feel hopeless sometimes, that is why He gave us the Cross and left us the Holy Spirit to comfort us.

Malea is one sharp cookie and I think she would get his verse. Soon I plan to share it with her. I know she will continue to go through different periods of grief, probably throughout her life and always wonder about her past. I do want her to have the hope and confidence though that the Lord of her life will not waste the pain that she feels. He sees her 5 yr old confusion, He sees the birth mom who had to make that difficult decision, He sees the plan that He has for her to hopefully be able to use her story to help others and comfort them. After all, isn't that how we give our struggles meaning, to use what we learn to help others?

And, I pray for grace and strength to be the mom God wants me to be to her ( and all my girls).